The Ugly American
History lesson, the genesis of conservatism
Sorry...I had to...it's just to right for me not to! I got this in an e-mail today and I thought it needed to be shared with everyone!
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented ye t, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, Federal Service Workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Military, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply laughing and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately.
got this in an email...it made me laugh...
An older couple, Ray and Bessie, live in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walked
back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different: It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray, shoulda bought a hat.
alright...now I have a little time...
So...I take this 100' catamaran on a 2 1/2 hour tour...see...not a 3 hour tour...because we all know what happens when you take a 3 hour tour...Gilligans' Island anyone???
Anyway, I take this Cat out to the Dry Tortugas. It leaves Key West at 8 AM...feeds you breakfast, takes you to the island, you get a tour of the fort, snorkel gear, lunch and a ride home for around $130 (retired military discount included). Not a bad way to spend a Sunday.
It's a pretty speedy ride too. The boat crew told me the boat sails along at about 26 knots...somewhere around 30 MPH...not bad for a 100' boat.
You can see in the pictures that the sky didn't really want to cooperate on Sunday. It actually rained on and off all day, but it's so damned hot down here that it felt good!
On the way out of the Key West, you pass this small island. It's called Sunset Key. I've been told that it used to hold big fuel tanks for the navy and it was called Tank Island and was actually owned by the navy. I guess the navy decided they didn't need it and removed the tanks and sold the island. Now, you can buy a lot on Sunset Key (Tank Island) for the small price of somewhere around 2.6 million dollars! I've also been told that most of the people that own homes...and a home on that lot is another added expense...keep them as winter homes. 2.6 mil and you can't even drive to it! I wonder what the lots would cost if they still called it Tank Island?
Fort Jefferson was built as a way of controlling navigation in the Gulf of Mexico. They kept building it for 30 years before they finally gave up. Can you imagine all the old sailboats that had to run back and forth full of bricks? Our guide told us that there were over 600,000,000 bricks used to build the fort! They say it was built with prison and slave labor and I'd have to say they did a pretty good job all things considered! Think about it, a 150 year old building at sea level right in the middle of hurricane alley!
Fort Jefferson has seen better times, which were probably not better times for the folks living there. You see, originally, it was a combination fort/prison. And here I thought Sheriff Joe out in AZ was mean to criminals! Alright, I don't really think sheriff Joe is mean...but that's besides the point. The most famous inmate at Fort Jefferson was Dr. Samuel Mudd. Dr. Mudd was implicated in a plot to assasinate Abraham Lincoln...mainly because he set John Wilkes Booths' leg after he shot Lincoln and jumped from the stage. Dr. Mudd had his sentence commuted after he saved a bunch of soldiers' lives from Yellow Fever...
I have a few more pictures....unfortunately, the pic upload isn't working right again. I also have some pictures I took with an underwater camera that I'll probably get developed after I get home. Might even be a picture with me swimming with the Great White! Ok, it was only a nurse shark...but they all look big underwater!
Alright...pics are working again...so...this afternoon, after work, I'll post some more pictures.
This is Fort Jefferson on the Dry Tortugas...more to follow.
Have a nice day!
Took a nice trip yesterday...
I have pictures, but blogger isn't playing nice and I can't put them up right now!
I took a boat ride out to the Dry Tortugas yesterday. It's a two and a half hour boat ride to a Civil War era fort called Ft. Jefferson. That's it for now...at least until I figure out why I can't put any pics up on my blog.
Travelling is so much fun these days!
I spent my day at several different airports yesterday. What a fun day it was!
It started nice and early, like it usually does. Up at 4:30 to head to the airport. I was listening to the radio like I usually do when I'm driving and I heard about these assholes in Great Britain who were caught before they were able to blow up planes in mid-flight. WTF?!?! Did I do anything to any Muslim to make him or her want to do this to me? I guess I did...I've been breathing for 47 years now, apparently that's enough to piss some of them off these days.
The security lines were a little too long. The only people that need to be blamed for that in Norfolk is the TSA. When I first got there they had one scanning machine running...ONE! I knew security was gonna be a bitch yesterday why didn't they? Am I that much more intelligent than the people running this organization? Probably...and that's scary!
This could be a good thing...I hear that the TSA is gonna have a sale next week...great discounts on shampoo, toothpaste perfume and cologne! You might even be able to get a deal on breast milk...if you're into that kind of thing! The one thing I noticed on the plane yesterday was that no one was fighting over room in the overhead compartments...all kinds of room up there yesterday...I've always thought the size of some peoples carry ons was a little to much anyway...but that's just me.
Here’s another screwed up deal as of yesterday. Even after you got through security you still couldn’t bring on a bottle of water that you bought at one of those legal theft places in airports. You know the places I’m talking about…those places that charge $3 for a bottle of water…if that ain’t highway robbery I don’t know what is! So now, if you don’t make sure you have enough time between flights plan on starving. You can’t bring food and drink through security and you can’t buy food at the airport…food that’s usually as bad as hospital food anyway and bring it on the plane. And if you’ve flown anywhere in the last 5 years you know the airlines don’t feed you anymore either…unless you count a bag of peanuts as a meal…and I don’t. Do you?
The bottom line is that this shit has got to stop. I heard on the news today that these assholes came from the same mosque as the assholes that blew up the bus and the subways in GB last year. I'd say it's time to shut that place down and lock the imam up who runs it! That place obviously teaches hate and I'm sorry to say but it needs to be blown up...yesterday!
Islam may very well be a religion of peace…I don’t believe it, but I hear it every freaking day, so it just has to be true. I do believe there are good Muslims in the world…it’s my understanding that a few of them were one of the reasons that this act of terrorism was stopped before it got started and that’s a very positive sign. Now if those same good Muslims step up and point the finger at these dirty bastards that are teaching kids to hate anyone that doesn’t believe the same thing they believe it can get even better. We can only hope…
The phone rang early this morning...
The first call came from my little brother....a little late by his standards. He usually calls me at 3 in the morning on this day. It was late, already after 6AM...and I was awake! I'm gonna get him back for all the times he did call me at 3AM...'cause I'm gonna be at the house this Saturday and I'm gonna remind him what day it is starting about an hour after he goes to bed with additional reminders every hour on the hour!
About a half hour after my brother called...my pop called. He says to me...as I remember it, it was about this time that you started bothering me.
I said, As I read the story, it was around noon.
Oh yeah, he tells me, that's when you came, but you started a lot earlier. He said, I had been up all night, drinking and playing poker...I had a terrible hangover...tried to tell your mother it wasn't time...
I asked him...so, did you win?
He said...you know...I don't remember...but I must have...I got you didn't I?
One of the most awesome things my pop has ever said to me and if you knew him, you'd know this to be true!
Almost made me cry...big sissy!
I'm not telling you why I got all these phone calls...you're a smart enough bunch...you can figure it out.