The Ugly American
To funny not to share...
Got this in an email today...
Why you should give a simple explanation to kids....
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." ;!
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Something that relaxes me...
Sometimes, I just sit on my back porch and watch my little corner of paradise. I sit back there and smoke my evil cigarettes and let one of my friends relax me.
Sometimes it relaxes me...sometimes I go out in the yard and the damn bird feeder is on the ground because the squirrels got hold of it! Freakin' rats with hair on their tails...all they are...
When you look at the pics of the birds, you'll see a metal bar that holds the feeder at the top. That used to be plastic and somehow, a squirrel climbed on top of it and chewed it down!
This is Red. He comes and visits me a few times a day.
Then he goes back up into the highest tree he can find and sings to all the other birds...."Andy's got chow back here!"
I end up with a lot of different kinds of birds in my yard, the only ones that are kind of annoying are the Grackles. They're bullies, but mostly to each other, it's kind of amusing to watch and they have the most annoying screech! They puff up and yell at each other.
I get all kinds of critters back here and I have a postage stamp of a yard in a neighborhood full of postage stamp sized yards. Life is good though, I get more time on the golf course and less time in the yard!
Are you the one in front of me???
I'm starting to believe that my gray hair might not be a result of being the father of two daughters but, those really bad drivers out there.
Alright, let’s start this list. Here’s my list of some of the things that really tick me off when I'm driving. Yes, I do own the whole damn road.
First off, if you’re eighty something, don’t take the first doctors appointment of the morning, make an appointment for sometime after 9 in the morning, that way, you’re not in everyone’s way while they’re on their way to work. You also don’t need to go grocery shopping or anything else that early in the morning.
In this country on most major highways, there’s a sign that reads either, “SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT” or “KEEP RIGHT EXCEPT TO PASS”. These signs mean exactly the same thing. They mean for you to stay out of the left hand lane. These signs don’t mean that you can get in the left hand lane and do the speed limit. It means exactly what it says, KEEP RIGHT!
When the light changes to green it is not acceptable for you to allow your car to idle up to your preferred speed of 25 MPH. The light only stays green for a certain length of time and by putting through the intersection you’ve just made sure that a few people are either going to run a red light or get stuck back there. Just because you don’t have any place to go, doesn’t mean I don’t have somewhere to go.
That’s one I see all the time. People out on the streets with no place to go. Doing 25 in the 35 or 35 in the 45. I got things to do and people to see and you need to do the speed limit. Yeah I know that’s supposed to be the top speed and you’re allowed to go slower, but don’t do it in front of me!
Here’s another one for you. Just because you THINK you’re a multi-tasker doesn’t mean you really are one. Just because you’re capable of walking and chewing gum at the same time doesn’t mean that you can drive and do ANYTHING else at the same time. You most definitely can’t drive and talk on the phone at the same time.
There appears to be a direct correlation between a driver’s right foot and their mouth. The faster the mouth is engaged the weaker the right foot becomes. Next time you’re driving around and someone in front of you is not doing the speed limit I’ll bet you they’re either really old or really busy…on the phone! There is one other stereotype I could use here, but I’m trying to be nice. So, HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Making right hand turns from the left hand lane is another one of those really nifty moves I see all the time. If you think you might need to make a right hand turn in, oh I don’t know the next half mile or so, then get over in the right hand lane! Is it that hard to figure out?
Here’s a good one. Have you ever noticed the brake lights flickering or always lit on the car in front of you? That’s one of those two footed drivers. I guess they think they’re slow motion NASCAR drivers or something. How are we supposed to know when you’re really braking if your brake lights are always lit? Besides, you’re polluting the air with brake dust. You’re supposed to use only one foot to drive unless you’re driving a stick and that’s the right foot! Get used to it.
Just because you put your blinker on doesn’t mean you can automatically switch lanes. Your turn signal DOES NOT open a spot for you in that lane. If I’m following the appropriate distance from the car in front of me and you move in there you just messed up all the spacing. And since we’re on this one, let’s talk about slow motion drag racing.
You know what I’m talking about here. Two cars going the same speed with nothing but empty road in front of them and a miles worth of cars behind them. If there’s an idiot up in front blocking the left hand lane and a line of cars waiting to get around him it’s not alright for you to go cruising up the right lane only to cut in up there where the bone head is blocking everyone. 10 cars behind you just had to slam on their brakes because of you! Remember, you’re only supposed to pass on the left. That’s why they have those signs, KEEP RIGHT EXCEPT TO PASS. You pass on the left.
Here’s another one. When you decide you’re going to pull out into traffic, PULL OUT into traffic! Step on the gas pedal…get that car moving! This isn’t hard you know. And don’t sit there and wait until I’m so close that I have to slam on my brakes. If you’re gonna pull out then pull out and pull out into the right lane, not the left lane. You don’t get to cross any lanes when you’re pulling into traffic. On that same note. If you’re on a 4 lane road and you see someone waiting to pull into traffic, be nice, move over and give them that inside lane.
This is one I see a lot too. Signs all over the road…one of the lanes is ending. So, just about everyone starts doing the right thing, moving over into the lane that’s still open. Then, some A-hole decides that he’s gonna go cruising up the lane that’s closing and cut in somewhere up there. He/she get’s what 3 or 4 cars ahead in the traffic jam? I promise if you try to cut in when I’m there, you’re not gonna make it.
That's all I can think of right now...but I'll add to it I'm sure. Any ideas?
WTF is up with gas prices?
Gas prices have gone up 40 cents around here in the last 2 weeks! They jumped 12 cents in a couple of hours yesterday! What the hell is going on?
You should get in on the discussion...
I posted the story below about Pat on BlogCritics
yesterday. You should get involved in the discussion.
Was Pat wrong this time?
Pat Robertson did it again. On his “700 Club” television show yesterday Pat Robertson said, “Islam is not a religion of peace.”
In response to a news story on his program concerning the recent violence around the world over some cartoons that are insensitive to Muslims, Mr. Robertson said, “…these people are crazed fanatics and I want to say it now; I believe it’s motivated by demonic power, it is satanic and it’s time we recognize what we’re dealing with…The goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, is world domination.”
Is he really wrong this time? It’s my personal belief that he’s not…this time. I keep reading and hearing people try to tell me that Islam is a religion of peace. I’m not seeing it, are you? Burning buildings over cartoons isn’t peaceful and doing it almost 8 months after the fact makes it seem even more ridiculous! Bombing churches, especially churches of your own religion doesn’t seem very peaceful. Killing innocent people…men women and children doesn’t seem peaceful to me. Does it to you? Taking people hostage, especially those that are there to help in your cause, and then killing them doesn’t seem peaceful. That’s what happened to Tom Fox. He was over there to be one of those human shields. Guess these radicals figure with Allah on their side, they don’t need any stinking shields!
I read somewhere that the state run Iranian newspaper is asking for Jewish cartoons…wanna bet that the Jews won’t respond the way the Muslims did when these cartoons are published? Think about it for a second. What happened when it was made public that a so called piece of art was put on display somewhere? I can’t find where it was originally displayed, but in my search, I found this from Wikipedia…Piss Christ is a controversial photograph by American photographer Andres Serrano. It depicts a small plastic crucifix submerged in a glass of the artist's urine. Some have suggested that the glass may also contain the artist's blood. The piece was a winner of the Southeastern Center for Contemporary Art's "Awards in the Visual Arts" competition, which is sponsored in part by the United States National Endowment for the Arts, which offers support and funding for projects that exhibit artistic excellence.
I mean, come on!!! The people in this country gave what could be called one of the most offensive things I’ve ever seen a freaking award! They called it artistic excellence! You gotta be kidding me! Anyone can piss in a jar and throw a crucifix in it. What’s so excellent about that crap? Were there riots when this happened? Any buildings get burned down? Anyone get killed over it?
I think what it all boils down to is pretty simple really. Are you civilized? Or are you a freaking animal? If you kill over cartoons or kill innocents, especially women and children, you’re an animal and your religion isn't peaceful!
I was having a discussion here at work and one of my colleagues said he had a family member that was a Muslim for 38 years and he was peaceful. Somehow this is supposed to make me believe that because one member of his family was a peaceful Muslim they all must be. I'm not drinking that cool-aid and you shouldn't either.
I'd just like someone somewhere to give me three public examples of Muslims being peaceful...to someone other than other Muslims.
Which one do you feed???
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all:
''One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
''The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
I guess I gotta do this again!
I'm reading them again...the letters in the paper against smoking in public.
Yeah yeah...I know it's a disgusting habit! I don't really care what you think.
Look...I don't blow smoke in your face...I sit in the smoking section at the restaurant. I don't attempt to smoke at the movie theater. I don't even smoke in my seat at the ball game! I stand in the rain at work because these bastards here could give two scheissas if I catch a cold standing in the rain.
But this is a tobacco state dammit! This isn't the communistwealth of CA or NY! Last time I checked smoking cigarettes was still legal in this country! Apparently that doesn't matter.
I mean, come one here...honestly...I'd rather put up with a little smoke in the air at the movies than a screaming baby or a ringing cell phone or two young girls that have to squeal with delight every time some young actor comes on the screen! Wouldn't you?
I guess the thing that has some of the anti-smoking group all upset is that just last week another attempt at banning the legal act of smoking in this state was once again shot down like a friend at a Dick Cheney quail hunt!
What gives the government the right to come into a privately owned business and dictate policy? Shouldn't the customers and the owner of that business have that say? Doesn't the government interfere with enough of our lives?
I know they're bad for me...so are a lot of things, but that doesn't mean I want the government telling me what they are! We have seatbelt laws and helmet laws and smoking laws. All designed to make ME safer. Maybe I don't wanna be safe! Maybe I want a little risk in my life! Maybe I just want everyone else to just stay out of my business...
I see it all the time...I was watching Mythbusters the other day and they were testing a myth about a vodka solution getting the smell of cigarettes out of clothes. Every time that sissy girl had to smell the jacket...EWW this stinks...no shit! They stick a coat in a 3 by 3 box and pump 10 cigarettes worth of smoke into the box...and people wonder what kills laboratory mice!
I just hope that when I quit...and I will someday...I don't turn into one of these "former" smokers. If there is a group of anti-smokers in the world that are the worst, it's the FORMER smokers. I guess they figure that if they're gonna be quitters we all have to be quitters with them.
As a friend of mine once said...anybody can quit smoking...it takes a man to face cancer!
I'm kidding...I'm kidding...just leave me alone and let me smoke what I want, where I want, when I want! I promise not to smoke in your kids’ day care!
I'm gonna be sick tomorrow...
It's supposed to be in the 70's here tomorrow and I feel a sick day coming on! Cough, cough...it's getting worse...
I haven't played golf since before I went to Germany last year! I almost killed myself over there on my way down from climbing a bell tower to get some of those awesome pictures I took. I messed up my wrist pretty bad and haven't been able to play since then. But the wrist is better now and the weather seems like it wants to cooperate tomorrow.
What's really messed up about this weather is it's supposed to be in the 70's tomorrow and there's a possibility of flurries next week!