The Ugly American
Another funny e-mail...
This might offend a few people...but you know what??? I don't care!!!
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me .," says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
This one is worth sharing too!
Couldn't help it...when I read it, I had to post it!
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."
Another e-mail worth sharing!
Stay away from doctors...they're dangerous!
Some alarming statistics!
(A) The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700,000
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%
Statistics courtesy of the U.S.Dept of Health & Human Services
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%
Statistics courtesy of the FBI
So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention. Then we would be in real trouble
And to think...I thought I was a libertarian!
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican??
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
Question: How do you tell the difference between
Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?
The answer can be found by posing the following
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist
with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes
with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises
the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot?
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
What do you do?
Well, that's not enough information to answer the
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
I must be a southern republican!!!
Barbara Billingsley called it Jive!
In the 1980 movie "Airplane" there is a scene where a flight attendant can't understand a couple of black guys on the plane. Barbara Billingsley says to the attendant, "Excuse me, I speak jive." I imagine that if this movie were made today, that scene would've been cut...for racial insensitivity...or something along those lines. In case you didn't know..Barbara Billingsley was Theodore "Beaver" Cleavers mom in the old 50's sitcom, Leave It To Beaver.
Now they call it ebonics and the San Bernardino school system is incorporating it into their curriculum! According to Wikipedia
African American Vernacular English, aka, ebonics is a dialect of english. From what I read on Wikipedia, that means that we should see all kinds of new languages popping up in school districts all over the country.
comes the news that San Bernardino unified school district will incorporate ebonics into its curriculum so that students may receive a more well rounded education.
A socialogy professor from CSSB, Mary Texiera, thinks that this is some how a good idea. She says, "Ebonics is a different language, it's not slang as many believe". She says that students learn better when they fully comprehend the language that's being taught.
So let's not do something smart like teach them english...or even american for that matter...let's just give jive a place in our school systems. Fucking brilliant! Now I'm gonna go to the ATM machine and be offered 3 choices...english, spanish and jive...what choice will I make???
The school board VP, Teresa Parra, worries about adverse affects this program may have on the district. She believes that they should focus on all students at risk. "I've always thought that we should provide students support based on their needs not on their race", said Ms. Parra.
These people are comparing this with english as a second language programs. Well, I've never agreed with them either and every well spoken hispanic I've ever met said they got that way through english immersion.
Actually, part of the article makes it sound like the plan is to actually teach something worth while...black history...but if I put two and two together...it also sounds like they're gonna be teaching it in ebonics!
I just wonder...anyone ever considered teaching these kids ENGLISH??? What's next...degrees in ebonics...the menu at the local McD's in ebonics???
Lest we forget...this is America and we have a language already! American!
I know it won't sound any different in the future...yo man..you be wantin' fries wit dat? or something like that...I don't speak the language!
Just in case you didn't know...cause I didn't!
Did you know that yesterday was the anniversary of Teddy - I love my vodka straight up - Kennedy getting away with murder?
36 years ago yesterday, Teddy Kennedy left a woman trapped in her car to sufficate, not drown! He never called the cops, he just went home and slept it off!
You can read about it here Mary Jo Kopechne
And some how...some fucking how...the people of the communistwealth of Massachussetts keep electing this murderous, lying, fat fucking alcoholic pig to the US Senate! But then again...they elected john Heinz kerry to the senate too!
Things that make you go hmmm......
Got this in an e-mail this morning and thought it was worth sharing...
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over
200 years and we're not using it anymore.TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her butt off to jail."
My Yankees are in first place!!!
As of last night, the NY Yankees now have a 1/2 game lead in the AL east. They played the TX Rangers last night and it started out ugly! But it got a lot better really fast! The Rangers started out with 3 runs in the bottom of the first...I think that woke my Yankees up and they promptly scored 6 in the top of the second. The Yankees ended up winning 11-10...life is good! And the Sox got beat by the DevilRays!!!
The thing that surprised me last night is listening to the crowd when A-rod came to the plate...I'm not sure if the Rangers fans like him any more than a lot of Yankee fans! I've never been a big fan of Alex Rodriguez'. I think he's a bit arrogant...even more than I am...and when I see him on the field I can't forget a play he was involved in last year against the Red Sox. He was running out a hit and tried to swat the ball out of the first basemans mit...that's just not cool! It's also against the rules. I wrote something on here last year...and what it comes down to is...Jeter wouldn't done it...
The guy's a great ball player...probably be in the hall of fame some day...but not everybody can be a true Yankee.
I was watching the British Open last night and I've come to the conclusion that the R&A sets up their major championship a lot differently than the USGA sets up theirs.
What I mean to say is that I'm enjoying watching this championship a lot more than I did the US Open. The leaders are at -6 right now and that's fine with me. For some reason the USGA thinks that they have to make a golf course impossible to play for their championship. The R&A, that's Royal and Ancient for those that don't know, the true keepers of the game, don't care what the final score is in their tournament as much as they care that good golf is being played.
The greens at St. Andrews appear to be fair, the fairways are wide enough and the rough isn't 10 inches deep! The big obstacles at St. Andrews appear to be a bunch of little pot bunkers placed strategically around the course.
Maybe the USGA should take some lessons from the folks that invented the game!
I'm so tired of hearing that it's our fault...WAKE UP!!!
All you people that want to blame this bullshit on us..Us being the coalition of forces that went into Afghanistan and Iraq need to think about something...these people have billions and billions of dollars from the black gold under their feet, yet they live like shit! And some how, that's our fault!
We buy that black gold under their feet and the only group of them that lives a decent life style for the most part are the Kuwaitis...and yeah...I've been there...I've been to Saudi Arabia and Jordan and Egypt and a bunch of other places...and I'm telling you, for all the billions they have, only a handful live a life worth a damn...but again...somehow, that's our fault!
People forget that not only did Saddam Hussein violate just about every UN resolution ever written, he also plotted to assassinate a former U.S. president! He gassed his own people! Let's not even get into the Taliban. Somehow that's our fault too!
We're the infidels...well I'm tired of hearing it...I've been tired of hearing it since 9/11...wake the f#@k up...no matter what we do..how much we try to understand...until they stop teaching hate in their schools...you know...those schools that only boys can go to...until THEY step into the 21st century the world's not gonna be safe! These people believe that their god will reward them for killing innocent people...can their actually be anything more evil? It almost sounds like a freaking Stephen King novel!
A handful of people on this planet don't like the way we live our lives, so they fly planes into buildings and plant bombs in subways and kill thousands of innocent men women and children and all for what...so they can take their daughters and mutilate their bodies...so they can continue to live in poverty? SO they can continue to teach the hate for the west that they do? How is that the fault of anybody that was in the tubes today? How is that Bush's fault? How is that anyone’s fault but their own?
No jokes today...
Can't seem to find a lot funny in the world today. I feel as bad as I did on 9/11. I have such a hard time understanding how anyone could do these things in the name of some god.
To any Brits out there, my heart is with you my friends. Stay strong and know that we're with you...like you've always been with us.
I gave blood yesterday...two pints actually...some new thing the Red Cross can do...I had no idea that it might be needed this bad...
A short joke for the day!
Subject: Thought for the day...
Some people are like Slinky's ...
Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.