The Ugly American
Some levity for the morning
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
7. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
9. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
10. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
11. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn ... that was a lotta fun!"
12. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
13. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
14. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over?
15. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
16. Wouldn't you know it ... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Good or EVIL???
Back to my daily surfing expeditions and I found this on moxiegirls
site. Her site's a little liberal for me, but hey, that's what makes the web so much fun!
I was pretty disappointed with the results. Only 30%
evil. Guess it’s time for me to get mean!
Is your site Good or EVIL
What am I?
I was under the impression that I was a libertarian that leaned a little to the right. Now I’m reading things that make me believe I’m not what I thought I was in the beginning.
Ok, let’s take ten issues that I think should help me define what the hell I am and maybe you can help me out.
Can you help me?1. Abortion
– This seems to be one of the defining issues of our time. My stand here is that I’m anti-abortion, but pro-choice. Make any sense? It’s like this, I believe in the right of an unborn child, but I also believe I have no business telling anyone else what to do with their own body.2. Same sex marriage
– Another one of those issues that weighed in heavily during the last election. I’m against same sex marriage, but I’m for civil unions. I just have a problem with the use of the word marriage meaning anything other than the union between one man and one woman.3. The Drug War
– I think this is one of the biggest wastes of money I’ve ever seen! This country tried something similar back in the early 1900’s, it was called prohibition. It didn’t work then and it’s not working now. Now go roll me a joint!4. Welfare
– How about I steal a line from a famous liberal on this one. “Workfare not welfare” as the Rev. Jesse would say. I can understand the need for a hand up now and then, but damn! If I give you a boost, at least reach for the next rung of the ladder! I have a bad back and your weight is KILLING ME!5. Taxes
– I keep trying to understand the liberal philosophy that because a person makes more it’s fair to take a bigger percentage of what they make. I’m seriously against any kind of redistribution of wealth.6. Vouchers
– I have a real problem understanding why it’s bad for me to have the opportunity to take the tax dollars that are given to a school to educate my child and using that same money to put my kid in a school where I know they’ll get a quality education. This is a bad thing, how?7. Social Security
– I think privatization of SS might not be a bad thing. The problem I have with this whole plan is how taking money out of SS is going to help its solvency in the long run. My big problem with SS is that too many people think that SS is supposed to be their soul means of support after they retire. That was never the plan from the beginning. It was meant as a supplement.8. Affirmative Action
– This was probably a good thing when it started, but I’ve seen to many people, myself included, discriminated against because of it. AA has turned into reverse discrimination. How about, equal pay for equal work, or just giving contracts and college admissions based on capabilities not color. I know, I know, I can’t understand it, because I’m a white guy. Poor me? HA!9. Presidential veto power
- I believe the president should have line item veto power. Think how much pork he could shave off of a budget with this power!10. Lastly, PC BS
. This is the one thing that bothers me more than any other issue. Politically Correct Bull Shit! Why does everyone have to be a hyphenated American? Why can’t we all just be American? Why are Christians being nailed to the cross all the time in this country? Why AREN’T Muslims being nailed to a cross? Who attacked this country on September 11, 2001? I went to catholic school for 11 years. Kindergarten through 10th grade. I learned Darwin’s’ Theory and I learned Creationism. My mind is so fucked up now because or it! The part I don’t understand is that if a private Christian school wasn’t afraid to throw out multiple theories, one of which flew right in the face of their own beliefs, it hurts your child to learn more than one THEORY. Let’s remember, they’re all theories. Until someone actually builds Jules Verne’s’ time machine and actually goes back in time to prove or disprove anything, they’re all just theories.
SO, WTF am I? Come on, lemme have it!
Where have you been?
I know it’s been a while since I posted, but I’ve been on the left coast for the last week.
After some of the stuff I’ve read on the net since last November, I expected to find mass suicides and things like that. You know, distaught voters hanging from the trees! Instead, I found things like this!
These pictures were taken in western Oregon at Ecola State Park. This has to be one of the prettiest places on the planet! I was told that they filmed the final scene in the movie “Goonies” at this park. I wonder if they knew how good a word that was to describe some of the people from this part of the planet?
A joke for the day
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist'seyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
I'll start by saying that I'm nota fan of Budweiser. As a matter of fact, I've been known to turn down a free Bud! Now, with that out of the way, I also have to give Busweiser it's kudos. There commercial was the simplest one I saw yesterday while watching the game and it was also the most moving. Unfortunately, I can't find a link to it, or it'd be here!
Did you see it? A group of military folks getting off an airplane and walking through the airport. People sitting in the airport just stand and start clapping for the soldiers. I was sitting in my local hangout and the people in there started clapping too! My eyes were getting all watery, what a mess!
I think what made it the best commercial is that the things it showed actually happen in todays world. The mind set of the American people is nothing like it was in the 60's and 70's.
As a 20 year Navy guy, I have to tell you, that was just a great thing to see. If only it wasn't Bud!
Which commercials did you like?
How about this for political talk?
“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”—David Dinkins, former New York City mayor
“We, as Republicans, need to start rowing with one oar.”—Rep. John Kasich (R-Ohio)
“I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy?”—George W. Bush
“A zebra cannot change its spots.”—Al Gore
For my mom
I found this at chronwatch
this morning. I thought it was worth sharing.
The following are different answers given by young school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest Mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
Another traffic exchange?
I found this site this morning. Another traffic exchange that promises 2500 hits a week in as little as a week. We shall see.
More Random surfing in the Blogosphere!
More random surfing today and look what I found this time. First I found a place where I could check all the countries I’ve visited in my lifetime and it made me this really cool little map!What's amazing about this is that I always thought I was pretty well travelled, but when you look at it in the grand scheme of things, I really haven't been anywhere!create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands
Then on the same page, was a place I could check all the states I’d visited in my lifetime and it made me another cool little map.create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.
You should try it!
Jokes for the day!
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"
I didn't even know that she had a penis!
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"