More stupid jokes to start the day
A group of Arkansas friends paired up and went deer hunting. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was terrific.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar......one was a salted.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra......
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says: "A beer for me and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
The doctor says, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
The man asks, "Is it common?"
The Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows standing are in a field.
One says, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says the second.
"It's true, no bull!" the first cow replies.
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
The vet says, "let's have a look at him."
He picks the dog up and examines his eyes and teeth and says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?" exclaims the man, "because he's cross-eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's really heavy."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers but I couldn't find them.
I went to the butcher's and bet him 50 bucks he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He refused the bet, saying, "No, the steaks are too high."
I went to a seafood disco last week and danced so much I pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A Polish immigrant goes to the Department Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an Eye Test. The clerk tells him to read a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'.
"Read it?" the man replies, "he's my cousin."